Carrying Your Luggage

We have all heard the analogy that people come with luggage. ... right?

Well, I know I come with a HUGE set - like the porche of all luggage.

A'right, that may be an exaggeration, but I have a lot - most of my luggage does not come in physical form. I had a great childhood with great parents. I was not abused as a child. Heck, I had a horse - what little girl couldn't be happier if she has a horse? I had chores but I had playtime. I had a brother and he didn't torment me relentlessly. I did really well in school, graduated high school on time and went to college - met a man and got married. I have a great job and a wonderful family. I have gone back to school twice and earned a higher education at a level no one else in my immediate family has ever achieved (master's).

My luggage comes in the standard form of self-loathing and disgust. That piece of luggage is big - real big. I stand in the mirror and think horrible things. I accept that no one should love me (note: I say should... there are people in my life who love me - I just haven't figured out why). I keep my problems to myself because no one should care about them (again, I say should because there are people who care, I just don't know why).

It's  a rather harsh existance in my head and I don't know why.

Last night I sat down and thought maybe I needed to accept the fact I am fat and move on - try to do better but figure out what is keeping me from loving me regardless of what I look like. And then - I see a picture of me taken by a friend this passed Saturday and think "I look like shit - I look disgusting" ...

so much for getting over it - eh?

I'm so backwards. *sigh*

I often reach out to other people when they are in need or I see they are struggling. Why don't I reach out for myself? Or better yet - why can't I disclose information and allow others to reach out to me too?

Loving Yourself

There is a lot to be said about the power held in the ole phrase "you must love yourself before loving another."

I have spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about how much I don't love myself. In fact, I'm pretty adept at finding all the reasons why I can't love myself. Can't... or don't? It is a choice, afterall.

Today...

I have been vlogging daily for the last few weeks on YouTube in hopes to understand myself and why weight loss this time around is so rough for me. And I can't say its the weight loss that's rough - its finding the motivation to move towards weight loss that is the challenge.

My journey from two years ago is gone. I keep holding onto the statement 'I lost 70 pounds 2 years ago' - well, Cris... I've also gained that weight back. Granted, I still have 10 pounds to go, but I have gained 60 pounds back. So what is the point of reminding myself that I was so much lighter 2 years ago other than to torture my current self and a reminder that I do know how to do it.