Loving Yourself

There is a lot to be said about the power held in the ole phrase "you must love yourself before loving another."

I have spent a lot of time in the last few weeks thinking about how much I don't love myself. In fact, I'm pretty adept at finding all the reasons why I can't love myself. Can't... or don't? It is a choice, afterall.



I don't remember what I was watching - some show where a girl was losing weight in a set timeframe. It wasn't a mainstream show like Biggest Loser or the one where the guy spends 6 weeks screaming at the person until they break into a puddle of cellulite and tears. The therapist/trainer gal presented an exercise to the girl - an exercise of the mind. Its one I have heard of. Basically - the gal was told to strip and stand in front of a mirror. She was to take a long hard look at herself and write down all the things she saw wrong with herself - all the things she hated. After that, she was to sit down in front of the fireplace and read each slip of paper outloud. Then, after reading it - burn it. Once she had burned all of her negative thoughts she was to return to the mirror, nekkid. Looking into the mirror this time, she was to tell herself, out loud, all the wonderful things that make her a beautiful person.

I have a psychology degree - I've read about this sort of thing. Obviously the burning is symbolic of releasing the inner-negativity; however, does that really work? Is this gal really going to magically love herself simply because she burned words on a piece of paper? Being a skilled negative self-talker, I can assure you that the smoke does not carry those thoughts away.

What I do think an exercise like this can do for someone like me is to bring to light all the things we think to ourselves - all the horrible things. Speaking things out loud always seem to make it more real. Case in point - when I was in middle school, one of my closest friends died in a house fire. When I was told, it was hard to believe but my friend who told me started to cry and I knew it was real but I didn't FEEL that it was real. I only really felt it when I had to deliver the news to the next friend. And when I spoke the words, then it flooded over me. It was real.

There is something to be said about the power of speaking the words outloud - and if you are talking about something powerful like the death of a close friend or the extreme negativity I live with in my head - the impact can hit you like a ton of bricks.

I haven't read that "ole phrase" out loud yet but I have a feeling that if I did - I would cry. I know I would.

I also know that if I wrote down and read everything negative I say to myself - I would cry. I wouldn't say those things to my worst enemy so I'm not sure why I think they are ok to say to me. Why am I ok with beating myself up on a day to day basis?

The worst part about negative self-talk is that it doesn't stay contained to the "self" - I may not be saying mean things to other people, but how I feel about myself definitely bleeds into my life: me as a wife, mother, employee, coworker, crafter, etc. In the last couple weeks I have really turned to the depressive side. I haven't been doing things I normally do and my general outlook is very gloomy. Granted, at work, I still slap that smile on so people don't know - but the truth is, I'm miserable on the inside. How you feel internally impacts all your interpersonal relationships (this has been researched.... I have a great reflection I wrote on this alone).

For example - if you think you are ugly, how will you allow someone else to think you are beautiful? They say you look great and instead of receiving a smile and a thank you, the complimenter receives a "no, I'm not" or "do you need glasses?" After a while, the complimenter will stop complimenting because they get tired of hearing the negative talk. They are tired of being told their opinion is wrong. Then - the relationship begins to feel strain and when the strain is noticed by the negative person - they get more negative. Now the self-talk goes into "he doesn't love me" or "there is no reason for him to love me" ... and ya know what - soon, he won't love the negative you and that will be the only you that exists.

It pretty much turns into a self-fulfilling prophecy driven by negativity.

My most recent self-attack has to do with being fat. Yup - I'm still on that one. I have yet to really put any plan into action so the weight is just kinda hanging there - same number as last week. Because I know I'm unhealthy and I need to lose weight... and I know I'm not - that just opened the floodgate of more negativity.

I sat today in a training session on some new documentation being delivered to the project management team. I paid some attention to what I was there to hear, but I also found myself scanning the room - looking at the other women. They were thin, tall, pretty, nice clothes, great makeup, great hair, smart, thin..... did I mention thin? And I found my mind wandering over to the torture chamber of self-loathing preparing for a good 30-40 minute session of self-hate. Why am I not losing weight? Why can't I find motivation? Why am I so ugly? Why do I have to be so fat? Why am I not as stylish as them?

It goes on and on. And until I sat down to this blog post - its all I was thinking. I had to do this post because I had to tell myself to stop.

I believe that I may go through that exercise I have read about and witnessed on television. And I think, much like the gal in the show, I'm going to do it on video. I think I'm going to record it and post it on YouTube. If (and when) I do, I will make sure that I put the video on this blog. I don't think that I'll magically stop - but I do think that once I speak the words outloud - then it will become real. And once I make it real, then I know what I am dealing with.

God bless
- Cris