We have all heard the analogy that people come with luggage. ... right?
Well, I know I come with a HUGE set - like the porche of all luggage.
A'right, that may be an exaggeration, but I have a lot - most of my luggage does not come in physical form. I had a great childhood with great parents. I was not abused as a child. Heck, I had a horse - what little girl couldn't be happier if she has a horse? I had chores but I had playtime. I had a brother and he didn't torment me relentlessly. I did really well in school, graduated high school on time and went to college - met a man and got married. I have a great job and a wonderful family. I have gone back to school twice and earned a higher education at a level no one else in my immediate family has ever achieved (master's).
My luggage comes in the standard form of self-loathing and disgust. That piece of luggage is big - real big. I stand in the mirror and think horrible things. I accept that no one should love me (note: I say should... there are people in my life who love me - I just haven't figured out why). I keep my problems to myself because no one should care about them (again, I say should because there are people who care, I just don't know why).
It's a rather harsh existance in my head and I don't know why.
Last night I sat down and thought maybe I needed to accept the fact I am fat and move on - try to do better but figure out what is keeping me from loving me regardless of what I look like. And then - I see a picture of me taken by a friend this passed Saturday and think "I look like shit - I look disgusting" ...
so much for getting over it - eh?
I'm so backwards. *sigh*
I often reach out to other people when they are in need or I see they are struggling. Why don't I reach out for myself? Or better yet - why can't I disclose information and allow others to reach out to me too?
Wow, I would say that you are so amazing in the manner in which you use your words.
ReplyDeleteThis is exactly what I go through and how I feel. Some of my female friends call me batman due to them sensing I was hurt or damaged in some way in the past but unable to appropriately express the pain I feel in the present. I also frequently help others but find no desire or energy to help myself. In fact I think this is why I am still single, I have put most of my energy into my work and little left to dedicate to the understanding of my feelings of inadequacy, or why I keep intimacy at arms length.
Thank you again, your posts are so thought provoking and have begun to ignite a glimmer of self introspection that I feel may just extract me out of my current malaise.