But recently - I have been lying to myself. "It isn't that bad" - "I can start up again if I try hard enough" - "Once I get the motivation, I'll get back on track"
Well, - a picture speaks a thousand words.
I started on Spark in January of 2010. I had already lost 20 pounds and every day was thrilled to weigh myself and track that number weekly. I saw progress every week. I was doing something good for myself. And through a string of lies I have told myself - this is what I have. This graph is my journey. Basically - I started in one place and have gone in one big circle. I have successfully undone everything that I did before.
And the whole time I lied to myself.
It is not ok. I did not just start back up again and I definitely haven't gotten my motivation back.
But now I sit with swollen ankles, hips that hurt, a depression that hangs over me, negative self talk that has gotten extremely out of control....
And ya know what - it's my fault.
Every last ounce of it... or should I say pound?
It's my fault.
I feed myself. I choose to sit on my ass.
Whatever the outcome of this rather blunt blog - that's my fault too. If I take it and look at it and try (really try), that will be my fault. But if I look at it, cry, and do nothing - that's my fault too.
When you see that you are slipping - whose fault is it? Do you look for some extrenal reason and choose self-preservation over modifying your own behavior to achieve the outcome you really desire?
That graph is the truth. That is what I have been doing while I have been away. I don't have to say anything else regarding my journey - you can see what I have chose to do.
I have chosen, in the last year and a half.... to do nothing.
And quite frankly - that's a shame.
Now - the question is - do I continue to do nothing? Do I continue with this trend?
And the truth is - that future is determined with each day that passes and each decision that is made regarding food and exercise. Only time will tell.
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