I was browsing around YouTube the other day when I noticed a message in my inbox. Personally, I don't like the newest layout because it makes things like personal messages almost invisible - I preferred it to be more prominent - but that's a different conversation.
It was a reader of this blog who was concerned about me and was hoping I would update this blog - so here I am. He was right.
Where have I been? Why have I been gone from this blog?
It isn't that I have been blogging like a maniac on my crochet blog because that blog had been neglected a bit as well - although I admit, the few times I logged in, I updated that blog rather than this one.
Why?
I think it has to do with shame and accountability. I am accountable for my actions and because I have done nothing, I didn't want to own up to it. I didn't want to say anything to the people who may read this blog. I was ashamed of that.
I shouldn't be - it is my blog afterall - but I also see myself as this person that when I set my mind to something I do it. But I have not done this. And the good Lord knows I've said it a few times over: today is the day.
But today becomes tomorrow and tomorrow never comes.
Ugh.. that almost sounds like a Maroon 5 song lyric. Sadly though - its true.
Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Easy - its a lot easier to just not do it and put it off to a point in time that will never technically get here ... there will always be a tomorrow.
The strange thing is that I actually CRAVE for tomorrow to get here. On days I actually find myself remotely motivated, stupid things happen like bad doctor's appointments, swollen ankles, and the arthritic hip. The days I feel ok, I don't want to do anything.... of course, just how convenient is that? Gee - I was gonna get on the treadmill but look how swollen my leg is. Gee - I was gonna to take the dog for a walk but I ended up having the worst day at work ever and I really need to unwind. I was gonna... I was gonna... I was gonna.... But the one day that the weather is great, the kids are occupied, and I feel decent enough to do it.... I find something else to do instead. Something that requires little to no movement.
Its easy to share your candy when you have none, amiright?
And then in the end, I sit here disappointed with myself... sad that things haven't changed when the only real person I have to blame is myself.
Now I am faced with a bit of a medical blah. I have to have a procedure done to remove some stuff in the next couple of weeks (no, I'm not going to go into detail) but I will say I have thought: if I had taken better care of myself, would my body been good enough for this not to happen? Strong enough to fight this off? Obviously, not a question that can ever be answered. We cannot predict outcomes in our lives by looking back. There is no magic crystal ball - we can only deal with what we have in our hands at this time. So sure, maybe - but we also have to consider maybe not. But yet, I have still thought about it and wo
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