What have I done.... (or what I have done)

I am about looking at reality. I'm analytical. I don't try to lie to myself.

But recently - I have been lying to myself. "It isn't that bad" - "I can start up again if I try hard enough" - "Once I get the motivation, I'll get back on track"

Well, - a picture speaks a thousand words.

I started on Spark in January of 2010. I had already lost 20 pounds and every day was thrilled to weigh myself and track that number weekly. I saw progress every week. I was doing something good for myself. And through a string of lies I have told myself - this is what I have. This graph is my journey. Basically - I started in one place and have gone in one big circle. I have successfully undone everything that I did before.
And the whole time I lied to myself.

It is not ok. I did not just start back up again and I definitely haven't gotten my motivation back.

But now I sit with swollen ankles, hips that hurt, a depression that hangs over me, negative self talk that has gotten extremely out of control....

And ya know what - it's my fault.

Every last ounce of it... or should I say pound?

It's my fault.

I feed myself. I choose to sit on my ass.

Whatever the outcome of this rather blunt blog - that's my fault too. If I take it and look at it and try (really try), that will be my fault. But if I look at it, cry, and do nothing - that's my fault too.

When you see that you are slipping - whose fault is it? Do you look for some extrenal reason and choose self-preservation over modifying your own behavior to achieve the outcome you really desire?

That graph is the truth. That is what I have been doing while I have been away. I don't have to say anything else regarding my journey - you can see what I have chose to do.
I have chosen, in the last year and a half.... to do nothing.
And quite frankly - that's a shame.

Now - the question is - do I continue to do nothing? Do I continue with this trend?
And the truth is - that future is determined with each day that passes and each decision that is made regarding food and exercise. Only time will tell.

MIA from it all

I was browsing around YouTube the other day when I noticed a message in my inbox. Personally, I don't like the newest layout because it makes things like personal messages almost invisible - I preferred it to be more prominent - but that's a different conversation.

It was a reader of this blog who was concerned about me and was hoping I would update this blog - so here I am. He was right.

Where have I been? Why have I been gone from this blog?

It isn't that I have been blogging like a maniac on my crochet blog because that blog had been neglected a bit as well - although I admit, the few times I logged in, I updated that blog rather than this one.

Why?

I think it has to do with shame and accountability. I am accountable for my actions and because I have done nothing, I didn't want to own up to it. I didn't want to say anything to the people who may read this blog. I was ashamed of that.

I shouldn't be - it is my blog afterall - but I also see myself as this person that when I set my mind to something I do it. But I have not done this. And the good Lord knows I've said it a few times over: today is the day.

But today becomes tomorrow and tomorrow never comes.

Ugh.. that almost sounds like a Maroon 5 song lyric. Sadly though - its true.

Why put off until tomorrow what you can do today? Easy - its a lot easier to just not do it and put it off to a point in time that will never technically get here ... there will always be a tomorrow.

The strange thing is that I actually CRAVE for tomorrow to get here. On days I actually find myself remotely motivated, stupid things happen like bad doctor's appointments, swollen ankles, and the arthritic hip. The days I feel ok, I don't want to do anything.... of course, just how convenient is that? Gee - I was gonna get on the treadmill but look how swollen my leg is. Gee - I was gonna to take the dog for a walk but I ended up having the worst day at work ever and I really need to unwind. I was gonna... I was gonna... I was gonna.... But the one day that the weather is great, the kids are occupied, and I feel decent enough to do it.... I find something else to do instead. Something that requires little to no movement.

Its easy to share your candy when you have none, amiright?

And then in the end, I sit here disappointed with myself... sad that things haven't changed when the only real person I have to blame is myself.

Now I am faced with a bit of a medical blah. I have to have a procedure done to remove some stuff in the next couple of weeks (no, I'm not going to go into detail) but I will say I have thought: if I had taken better care of myself, would my body been good enough for this not to happen? Strong enough to fight this off? Obviously, not a question that can ever be answered. We cannot predict outcomes in our lives by looking back. There is no magic crystal ball - we can only deal with what we have in our hands at this time. So sure, maybe - but we also have to consider maybe not. But yet, I have still thought about it and wo